Thoughts on Goodbye.

whats new pussy cat?

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:22:35 +0100

yeah, havn't written in a while. Changes taking place left right and centre is my excuse. Not sure what to do now or where to go with this. He is in my head, thoughts, heart every single day. He made his choice and I live with the hurt of that. Can this be fixed? Can those lyrics of that song mean anything once again?

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The things he will never know.

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 23:47:52 +0100

I cried solid and do every night because its not his arms that hold me.

I tuck the thoughts and images of us lovingly away in a precious box close to my heart.

I refuse to let anyone call me by my initial because now he doesn't say it, its not the same.

I stopped dead in my tracks and was overcome with grief when I listened to "run" by snow patrol.

Walking through the room and realizing he was having his lesson left me with a gut wrenching feeling.

I realized it was over when he changed his venue for coffee.

I can't love anyone else, and believe me I have tried.

When I cry, I don't just shed tears... I sob uncontrollably as if I am bereaved.

I can't write any music without it being about us and the end of.

I find myself still wearing my hair the way he loved.

I stress myself out with the torture of finding a way for us to of been together.

I wonder if he meant those things that upset me so much as I read the true thoughts he wrote.

How did I end up here, without him. Without my best friend, and with no chance of reconciliation.

When it was that he deleted me from the email addresses, his thoughts and his love.

How we ended up with so much pain when all we did was love.

I still, and always will love him. Its in the makeup of who I am.

I will never forget.

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Pretty little scratch.

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 14:41:42 +0100

Feel rough today. After 4 nights in a row out and about I am tired and need to sleep and stop drinking anything alcoholic!! But of course I can't.... well not for one more night at least. A close friend is coming over tonight and we are going to go out for drinks and they are staying over!! I am excited and think this is the perfect way to finish of my 5 nighter!!

Got scratched last night. Some silly woman thought I was trying to take her man away! I was dancing with a massive group of us that I was out with and her fella started to feel my ass. Of course this annoyed the doorman that always looks out for me, but he couldn't do anything until this woman scratched me. He threw her out. I was still scratched. Its not a matter of one's opinion or coming close to being big headed, but the attention I get seems to be because I am pretty. Not wanting to blow my own trumpet, but what else can it be? I enjoy going out, killing a few more brain cells with another cosmopolitan... nothing more! I am not interested in anyone or dancing with someone for the night, or even for one song. I like dressing up, eating out and going for a few drinks and giggles. Its a good job I have those bigger and stronger around me to help protect the innocent. Otherwise I fear I might be one of those missing faces dotted around Tesco's everywhere.

So my pretty little scratch, a battle wound for something unprovoked. A symbol that ugly is safer and pretty is dangerous. Like beauty, it will fade eventually. What is left is a memory, a reminder to be careful in the big wide world. It seems that I am consumed in a phase that is not me. But never judge a book by its cover. Casting her motherly eye over me, she says she is worried about me and wonders where I am at as she fears she does not know her daughter anymore. I reply with a soft answer and a cheeky smile she passed down that I am okay, I am smart. I know my limits. I stay away from the dives and scabby excuses for clubs. I don't get in strange cars and never mix the liquids. I have lots of friends and having an active social life is important to me. We discuss these things over pink fondant fancies and poor excuses for coffee. I know where I am going, how to get there and what I want along the way. She sighs and agrees that I have always been driven, focused and stubborn. I learnt it from her. We leave with smiles as she realizes I am not the wayward child she thought I was and that in fact, my head is screwed on.

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It's not what you know, its who....!

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:19:33 +0100

Do you ever feel like where you are right now is not the place you know you should be??

Your life is a puzzle and you can't find that last piece that completes the picture. You know what it is but you still can't quite find it. You always put the corners in first, then the edges and work towards the middle until you stand back and look at your masterpiece. The corners and edges are the makings of your personality and the foundations of who you are. The bits in the middle make me smile to myself.

Out last night, I bumped into someone I met a while ago. He is lovely but hangs around with idiots and is thus branded one. He told me that I looked like a little stunner and that if there was a smell that a princess had, it would be the perfume I was wearing. How very sweet. Last night was the 3rd day in a row I have been out, and tonight and tomorrow night will make it 5 days in a row. I guess it is addictive, but its always the same old faces and places.

Tonight brings a different town so different desperardo's hanging on your every flirt. argh. Having a pretty face has its down sides. For instance last night I had this idiot dancing really close and I had just had enough of him. I turned around and pointed my finger in his chest telling him to back off. He got mouthy so me and my girlies walked the length of the dance floor dodging in and out of the hips wiggling around us. He persisted to follow and slapped my arse. Something in me switched and I got in his face and told him to back off. At this point the doorman appeared watching me with his beady eye. So I went up to him and told him that I wasn't going to stand around while he felt me up. I looked up at him and realized it was one of the boys, he recognized me and persisted to give this idiot a warning. Idiot did a repeat performance and said doorman threw him out.

Downside.... Idiot Perverts.
Plus side.... knowing enough doorman to feel protected !!

Knowledge seems to be power. Today brought freezing cold adventures with 3 beautiful children complete with runny noses and rosy cheeks. Loved every minute and although nervous about jumping in at the deep end.... completely cannot wait to start the new chapter. Christmas sparkle and fairy wishes are around the corner and although this christmas will feel strange without him, it is a new experience and a challenge I am facing head on.... as I always do.

He is stuck with his ex at the moment, caught up in her bunny boiler ways!! His best friend is now with her and it is doing his head in. I tried to tell him that it was old news and that if his ex wanted someone else and it being his best friend then she was not worth anything in the first place. His mate M is only doing it to spite him because he wishes that he had the power and popularity that F does. If M wants his seconds, he is welcome to it. I guess there are a lot of people that know F and respect him and so M is doing himself no favours by being the silly idiot he is being. The girl will only turn round and dump M after "revenge" doesn't have the desired effect on F. F has had an upgrade anyway, what is he bothered about??!!! Knowing F the way I do... I just giggle at him.

That's enough confusing conversation in code for now ! ! !

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Running Face.

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 12:14:59 +0100

There is something to be said about going running with a person, you get to know so much about them just by them moving their legs. You understand why they train... fitness/appearance/stress/something to do etc. You see them in a vulnerable state of sweatiness (lovely!) and see them loose control of their breathing. You begin to understand their fitness level and stamina.... you also learn their pace.

Of course going running with a massive boxer who's arms are the size of your thigh whilst you yourself are a 5'4 teeny size 8 little lady may have slight alterations on the above statements!! You realize that you are no match for his speed, stamina and decide to let them do a few laps whilst you are still on your first. Compared to another time not so long ago when I would sit on the bench while he ran, this time it seems strange for it to feel different.

There are many different types of people out here. Those that run when it is quiet, those that run with girlfriends to loose weight together, those fitness freaks that are all kitted out only to get sweaty. There are those that run with their dogs, those that run with music, those that run faster when a cutie runs past them. There are those that are bouncy, the steady paced, the loonatics, and those that rest after short bursts of energy. Why do we put some scruffy clothes on, come out here in the freezing cold and get our running face on? Why do we subject the rest of the world to that red faced, puffing and panting, out of energy look on our face?

I run for clarity. I run with him because he will leave me when I need to de stress and join me when I need a kick up the rear end. I run because my head is full of nonsense. I can leave it on the running field. Its almost as if with every step I take, I am running the nonsense into the ground. Like leaving your emotional baggage on the couch after every session,
but without the lengthy price tag.

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Stunned to silence.

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 17:31:02 +0100

To have the time to write down exactly how I am feeling right now is to ask for far too much. I have started this entry far too many times and written nothing of importance. I am shocked to finally understand something that I thought was impossible. Its almost as if I am stunned into silence. This time next week I will be laying on a golden beach watching the clouds roll by without a care. Until then, there are missions to go on, complications to smooth and tissues for issues.

When we make our choices they always come with consequences. I made a choice a few months ago to open up to someone, to trust a little and in return have gained a lot. You see there has been this elastic band inside my core that has been straining under the pressure of being pulled further and further back. I went for a coffee and sat and listened to his problems, and his day to day grimaces. Then the million dollar question "How come you don't open up? Tell me something about you" It was a release, I knew I could trust him after all he had told me things I can never repeat. I knew he would keep anything I said to himself and take to the coffin. Suddenly my elastic band became slackened and the strain of marriage, divorce, love, estrangement, work, money and trust drifted away. I laughed at him as he made a joke about fixing the ozone layer with a box of plasters....?!!! hehe !

An observation was made and in return a secret pact sealed with a silence was formed. The things he confessed would never be repeated and my secrets were hidden and buried in his box. It was like a fresh start had been made between our friendship and I understood as much as he did why we had not been in contact for the past year. He understood why I had always made excuses and turned him down when he had asked me to go for something to eat. I understood why he never gave up protecting the innocent and always had time for those he saw the good in. I allowed myself to reason that maybe there are people who don't want anything else in return for your true friendship and trust. I am happy that we have this understanding and know exactly where the barriers are and never to cross them.

Stunned to hear a desperate plea from her.... I am depressed and need some happy music to run to. A simple sentence with a complicated meaning. So do I turn and run? Do I face and help? Of course true love faces and helps. After christmas means big changes. 5 weeks to go. A new exciting prospect. Then another nice relaxing break in the sun. Looking back on this last year sends my brain into overloading confusion. People always try and kid themselves at the turn of the year by putting out unachievable resolutions. They always promise themselves that this is the year for them. Am I going to do that? Nope dont think so. But I do know that next year has to be a bit better than this year. There are many different people around me now, those that love me as I am and care for me because they know I love them for being them. I am about to embark on a lot of new adventures and see things as they really are. I am excited and nervous, but sad because my best friend is not going to experience them alongside me. But those are his choices, and like I mentioned, they come with consequences.

I am trying to understand the logic of things, desperately seeking an answer to the screaming questions in my head. But no matter how much I try, I come back to one thing I have learnt. To hear those sweet words.... " Don't change, I have never met anyone like you"

stun me into silence.

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A mother's love.

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 13:14:55 +0100

A mother's love. How is it that even when she holds you in her arms and cries you feel loved, but not good enough at the same time? You feel like the decisions you have made have only brought disappointment. She lists your mistakes in order as she lets off steam while she wipes the toaster. You wonder how it is possible that she has this many things to say in such a short space of time. You know it has been building up and now its about getting it out and shouting it about. I stood there with my dinner in hand and wonder if this can be fixed?

As the eldest, should I of led by example? She once said to me that someone said I was her shadow. That my life would echo hers, the mistakes she made. Was it fair to tell this to a young girl growing up? I have often wondered if that is the reason why I have gone down the path's I have taken.

"When I am in, your out." "When I am out, your in." "When your in, your sleeping." ..... "I work" "I work too" and so back and forth
with our words we play.

Sometimes the tension is way too much to bare. But it goes deeper then him not having the shopping in when his girls are hungry and her having to drink 2 gins before sleeping next to him. I often wonder and find myself in this predicament. I am back home after a failed marriage and other listed failures. Where is next?

How far will my mother's love carry me?

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Words after tears, before broken sleep.

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 01:44:25 +0200

My face, wet, from a misunderstanding
I sit here, alone, as my salty tears sting
So I turn to the pen, the words start to flow
A story cut short, an ending never known

I could say you broke my heart, but it was already scarred

My mind spinning from a hurried goodbye
A broken memory of sky blue eyes
Throw me about in a field, coupled with wet grass
Confusion eludes me, along with questions never asked.

I could look towards the blur, but your promises are with her.

My body, screaming out for an affectionate touch
To be held again I wonder? To ask you is too much.
No one else comes near, your taste, your smell, your look.
A heart, drawn to yours. Simply love. I gave and you took.

It seems we are in limbo. Stumped. Frozen. Suspended.
Does this mean that the saddest love story of all time has now ended?

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