To have the time to write down exactly how I am feeling right now is to ask for far too much. I have started this entry far too many times and written nothing of importance. I am shocked to finally understand something that I thought was impossible. Its almost as if I am stunned into silence. This time next week I will be laying on a golden beach watching the clouds roll by without a care. Until then, there are missions to go on, complications to smooth and tissues for issues.
When we make our choices they always come with consequences. I made a choice a few months ago to open up to someone, to trust a little and in return have gained a lot. You see there has been this elastic band inside my core that has been straining under the pressure of being pulled further and further back. I went for a coffee and sat and listened to his problems, and his day to day grimaces. Then the million dollar question "How come you don't open up? Tell me something about you" It was a release, I knew I could trust him after all he had told me things I can never repeat. I knew he would keep anything I said to himself and take to the coffin. Suddenly my elastic band became slackened and the strain of marriage, divorce, love, estrangement, work, money and trust drifted away. I laughed at him as he made a joke about fixing the ozone layer with a box of plasters....?!!! hehe !
An observation was made and in return a secret pact sealed with a silence was formed. The things he confessed would never be repeated and my secrets were hidden and buried in his box. It was like a fresh start had been made between our friendship and I understood as much as he did why we had not been in contact for the past year. He understood why I had always made excuses and turned him down when he had asked me to go for something to eat. I understood why he never gave up protecting the innocent and always had time for those he saw the good in. I allowed myself to reason that maybe there are people who don't want anything else in return for your true friendship and trust. I am happy that we have this understanding and know exactly where the barriers are and never to cross them.
Stunned to hear a desperate plea from her.... I am depressed and need some happy music to run to. A simple sentence with a complicated meaning. So do I turn and run? Do I face and help? Of course true love faces and helps. After christmas means big changes. 5 weeks to go. A new exciting prospect. Then another nice relaxing break in the sun. Looking back on this last year sends my brain into overloading confusion. People always try and kid themselves at the turn of the year by putting out unachievable resolutions. They always promise themselves that this is the year for them. Am I going to do that? Nope dont think so. But I do know that next year has to be a bit better than this year. There are many different people around me now, those that love me as I am and care for me because they know I love them for being them. I am about to embark on a lot of new adventures and see things as they really are. I am excited and nervous, but sad because my best friend is not going to experience them alongside me. But those are his choices, and like I mentioned, they come with consequences.
I am trying to understand the logic of things, desperately seeking an answer to the screaming questions in my head. But no matter how much I try, I come back to one thing I have learnt. To hear those sweet words.... " Don't change, I have never met anyone like you"
stun me into silence.
